“How does one become a butterfly? They have to want to learn to fly so much that you are
willing to give up being a caterpillar.”
– Trina Paulus
Sometime last fall, between signing up for 8 Elements and an awesome package of workshops with the Dark Side Studio, I decided that 2013 was going to be my Year of Belly Dance Training. That’s definitely working out perfectly – I’ve traveled for workshops and done some local workshops, and will do more traveling this fall. The workshops have overall been amazingly useful, full of knowledge that I have taken home and really applied to my own dancing. And most importantly of all, I’ve been practicing regularly on my own. My goal is everyday, and while that hasn’t been happening, I’ve been doing at least a couple of days a week, and usually more. I know there’s been improvement in my dancing because of all this.
I’ve been rather secretive about it all, however. I’ve written a lot of half finished blog drafts about all those workshops, but haven’t posted them – nor have I posted any of the other drafts I’ve started. Despite my best intentions, I haven’t been attending any regular Calgary classes. I haven’t been doing else anything to get to know the local dance community better, even though that’s something I really want to do. And over the summer I haven’t been great about keeping in touch with my further-off dance friends.
It’s not at all that I want to purposely ignore people. I still think and read about belly dance just as obsessively as ever, but when it comes to talking or writing about it, I find myself being unsure about what to say. I worry a lot about not being “good enough” – good enough to perform or teach, or good enough to have a legitimate about dance related topics.
I think I’ve been trying to wall myself in to this independent practice regime so that no one has to see me be “not good enough”. I’ve been harboring this secret hope that if I cocoon myself into a private world of training I can do it all unnoticed, until I am ready to suddenly emerge as a fully-formed, terrifically impressive, belly-dance-tour-de-force butterfly.
Though perhaps a surprise, this isn’t me.
It dawned on me only the other day that this is what I’ve been doing. I do have an understanding that this, of course, isn’t how it works. I’m not entirely clear of the specifics, but I imagine there to be more of a process in reality. A process of getting out there, trying things, making mistakes, and making successes.
At the moment I’m not sure what to do with this little epiphany. I suppose I’ve already written the answer – I should stop being all weirdly secretive about dancing and do all those things I just wrote that I was avoiding. Basically, I need to start communicating with other belly dancers. Maybe I should even start telling people about this blog (eep!).
I’m definitely going to keep thinking about this. There’s a few evening workshops this month I’m planning on attending, and I’ll look into regular class offerings in the fall. A weekly class is a good idea, I think.
I have no idea if anyone else experiences this – maybe I’m just an oddball – but should I actually start sharing this site such that you are now reading this, I would love to hear any thoughts you have in the comments!
